November 14 1991..........

When I said this is a quick note.......I lied......Pamper me......I am so
pathetic.......I am so trying to grow up.......maybe.....maybe...but...not yet!.....

Just a quick note.....This was a very significant day for me......I was
enjoying some of the best moments of my life.......Getting ready for Thanksgiving
and contemplating Christmas which was the day looked forward to every year....as
the highlight and brightest celebration we could experience as a family......A day
that culminated months of searching for that special gift for that special person...
to show our deepest feelings of love.......And I remember I squeezed my pennies so
tight to make them stretch as far as humanly possible.....After all....this was the
moment that was mine ......I had permission to bury my five little treasures...
so deep in gifts.....Even I was looking for them.......To make sure they didn't get
buried in my indulgence.....

.......Oh my gosh!......The exhileration that I felt in
my soul......to get to pawn over my little ones that I loved more than my own life......Was just unexplainable......Now....I thought to myself......"Did I do good?"........Could I have done more?.....Was I wise?........I was reassured by the
kindest man that ever lived...."Mom...You did good".......That's all I ever needed...Was that little approval from the one I loved......And he always gave it
to me..........My sweetheart knew me better than any one on earth......And he knew
how I loved to do and make merry for my little ones......I remember for one of my
Birthdays.........Dad said..."Mom......what can I give you that you want more than
anything?........and I said to him....."I want to buy each one of my kids something
........and wrap them up.......and surprise them.....".......He knew my heart...
and he knew what made me happy.......and he said....."Done".........It happened....

Looking back.......that was selfish of me.....I robbed them of the joy that
you receive from giving......But the point was......Dad let me do it.....Just because
he wanted me to be happy.....Bad Mom.....Good Dad........

He let me learn so many things on my own......rather than dictating to me....
I did learn a lot of things on my own.......because he allowed me the freedom to
make mistakes......Maybe that is why I have done medium-well by myself......

By that......I mean.......maintaining a solo life.....On the surface...
that is how it appears.......But on the inside........I feel like I don't belong
anywhere......I am being honest.....I feel welcome......Everyone is very kind to
me.......I can go anywhere and everyone is very sweet to me.......But the only place
I feel.......really comfortable is here.......I feel ownership in a way.....This
was ours together.......and it still is the only place I feel I am not leaving prints
on someone elses life.........I am not out of place here........I can deal with
being one.........I have a hard time with three......or I don't want to be an
add-on.........The husbands of my children are all very cordial to me......But
husbands......want complete ownership .......and a lonesome Mom in the picture....
represents maybe wanting more than they are willing to share........And I above
all don't want my shadow in a dark light in their home.........

Nothing in the world.......can interfere with the bond I have in my heart
.......for my birth children......Nothing can cut the cord.....It will be there...
till the eternities and then on from there.........But it is a silent connection
that always will exist....This is a mothers love......second to none only Gods.......

But I think you all have always known of my love for you.......But what I
didn't know then........Was how difficult it would be to be without my support
system.......I didn't know how weak I was.....not weak spiritually......My
spiritual strength kept me from drowning..........But weak.....dealing with others
.........knowing how to put gas in my tank........yeah!.....I would go to a gas
station where they washed your windows......Yeah!....they did that.....But little
by little.....as each day passed.......I grew a little stronger......and a little
lonelier also........This is the worst......to be alone.....yet I would never ever
even in my mind think about someone elses shoes under my bed.....Mercy!.....He
was the only one I ever wanted.......and to this day.......I'll take alone......
Thank you very much!.............

But the Christmas's get harder and harder......And I gradually want to be
by myself more.........I don't want to show the tears.......I have so much to be
greatful for..............And I have a really hard time seeing the snow scenes and
little houses all lit up for Christmas.....and little children all excited....And
the old fashioned scenes where there is an old fashioned horse and buggy in a
country scene.......and Christmas trees and presents.......I did at first try to
be the same.....buy presents for everyone......and do and buy.....but...at first
I thought I was coming close.....It was convenient to go to Susans house...I didn't
want to interrupt your little family Christmas's.......Then I realized......
it took too much time .....[to unwrap all my presents]......

. ..I didn't realize at first.....then as I thought about it......I was taking away from their time together.......So...then plan B.............
I had no plan B........I tried having you all come to Rhondas one
year......but that wasn't so good.....Everyones family is so big now.....and last
year I had you each come to my house one family at a time...but that was not exactly
the same.....Christmas is a time for togetherness........And it is right that you
all have your little things according to your plans......I found that I could buy
and wrap all my little things....but getting them to you......was the headache.....
Then last year I decided to have my kids come over and take my little gifts home
with them for all the grand kids.......and you could give them out.......and you
wouldn't need to make an extra trip over...........Ok now this year....Be at ease....I am not requesting anything but for you to know how much I love you all............

There is 30 grand kids.....and nearly 50 ggrandkids......And this number makes me
feel simply tremendous.........If you weren't happy as children or had a disdain
for a lot of family......You wouldn't be having them at all.....You have made me
extremely happy and rewarded.....You all have did good at Christmas and made it so
your kids wanted a big family........You are all excellent mothers...and you have
all loved Christmas........but another thing.........

....Granpa did something right.........He just
knew how to love in a way that was full of enthusiasm.......And when you see
something or someone that is doing it right.......It kinda makes you want to have
what they had........Granpa loved his get togethers.......He loved people......all
people........he loved strangers.....He would walk up to anyone with a tan skin...
and say..."Kiora".......The island people know what that means.......I keep gettng
off track.......But I have always been off track.....Well not completely....My
relationship with my Heavenly Father is the one thing that sustains me.....I have
surrendered my life....my soul...my spirit.....my will......to him.......I try to
focus only on things of an eternal nature.....

I have a few problems....I can hardly see......I have to sit up real
close to the TV now....Driving is only for necessity....I can't read...I get severe
headaches.......I am wabbly when I walk......I am severely light headed....I feel
safe close to home......It is better I don't wander too far.....I have to avoid
getting too stressed.....I have bells palsy when my nerves have too much freedom...
I have to keep them in tact.....I also break out in hives or a rash....if I am really upset .....I have a cough that would choke a horse....and I cough incessantly
.........It bugs me to death.....so I can imagine how it is to listen to me...I
get really teed off with people that cough........But it is also embarassing to me...
The people in front of me in church got up and moved....I coughed so hard.......Really ...Is that not a pretty picture?...........

.......Yes....I am a retarded Basket Case....I have no excuse...
I tried to give you a Mom that was perfect......But suck it up!.....we take what we
are given......and find contentment with our allotment......I was given you...right?
and you all lived......I think..........Get a life and stop growling.........If
things go well........we will all make it.....somewhere.....are you smiling?......

..But I have no pain....well....that is kind of a lie.......I have five pains......
But they are with me........in a place.......where they are safe.....
.

I feel that if I take care of myself.......and not cause anyone problems...
I will be doing the best I can do for everyone....

And so to my family........Aside from my feeling very melancholy today....
My greatest wonderment I have.....Is "Why the Lord has been so good to me?"......
I have been working up to be just average my whole life........Never felt that I
was much more........And then one day ....I was minding my own business.......when
.I met this really cute guy......and even more strange than that....our eyes met....
And he wasn't a girly guy.......He was a big macho tuff sports guy......But I think
the heavens intervened.......There were sparks from heaven that were flashing.....
each time we passed in the hall..........He was so bashful.....He had his buddy
come over and ask me for a date?..........Honest....He was so timid......and shy....
He wouldn't talk for the longest time........He would call me on the phone..and all
he would say is..."What....or Huh?"............He would walk over to see me all
the way from Blair Street ........over to my house......He had no car......And
sometimes we would take the trolly up town......or walk in the rain.....I loved
those days.........I was the first girl he ever asked on a date......and I was his
only girl friend period.......[In name of Jesus Christ Amen]..........

Forgive me......I keep going back ....don't I?".......What I was thinking
to say to you all.........this Christmas.......Surprise!.....No CD from Michael....

Lets exchange something this year......That you can't buy for all the money in the
world........That is.... lets exchange feelings of love to one another.....I don't
mean love that is expressed in a gift or on a piece of paper.......But a love that
is felt deep in your heart........the kind of love that is expressed in a prayer....
Lets love each other so much.......that we will pray for one another every single
time we kneel at our beds........That is a gift worthy of the birth of the savior
for whom this day was set aside to celebrate.......and one that can be felt each
and every second for the rest of our lives.........

This could possibly be the greatest gesture towards healing the hurts in our
family........that is possible for us......We have so many in our family that have
broken hearts......broken families.......hurts that can't be mended......that ....
there is only one source.......that can know real pain........and only one that we
can go to and ask for help.........And that is the one that gave us life......and
that gave us each other.......and that gave us this heart of ours to know and
see truth.........and that is......There is only one that is in control of all
things.......And that he doesn't make mistakes......But he waits upon us to depend
on him for help......He is there 24/7........

This is my wish and my prayer for this Christmas.......that we turn our
hearts to heaven.......and kneel and ask for our loved ones.....And pray that he
will help us soften our hearts to those who have made mistakes..... that we will
try our best to help each other.......Maybe just with a kind word......Let each
other know......we walk beside them .....no matter how down they are....To each
of us......we have something to give........maybe not means?........maybe give a
small part of ourselves.......Swallow the pride that reigns in the world......
Every man made tragedy that exists has its roots drowning in pride........C.S.Lewis
said.....Instead of being one in purpose....the same......We want to be different
He says......being different denotes dissention......

Wow!......Look at our world......Just how far are we away from what the
Lord wants us to be.......We are about .....Fashion.....the latest.....the newest
car?.......the latest ipod?...the biggest house?........The best figure?....We
want to be better.......not the same........The Lord wants us to be the same in
purpose........to love the same.....to love righteousness......to love each
other...........To love him.....To love people .....not things........

Ok.......I keep sliding off the subject........But I kind of feel...on
this day.......a special day for me......when such a big part of my heart went
to heaven with my sweetheart.......I could maybe take a few liberties......and
just for this day......pour out my heart and soul to you.......

Nothing on the face of this earth matters......If the Lord is not your
best friend........He will guide your thoughts....He will bless you with the
power of descernment.......He will caution you when you are in danger.....He
will give you a feeling of uneasiness when you are approached by someone who is
about to harm you......He will warn you with a stupor of thought.......He will
let you know when you have forgotten ........that certain things alarm the spirit....
and cause him to leave....He will make you feel uncomfortable for a reason.......
But he will also.......grant you a heavenly peace that you can't receive in any
other way.........only from the spirit......He is the only one that can give you
a calm.......and a feeling that all is well.........

I felt impressed to do this.......And reading it is optional......As is
life.........I can only pray that you might accept my feelings on this melancholy
day......in the spirit that it is sent........I am in the winter of my life.....And
yours is just the spring........Learn early .......before you enter the fall....
how you can find peace .......You have to have it to survive......Most of the time
you spend your entire life searching for what you already have ........The only
thing that needs changing.......is the way you think.........You are already rich....
Because you all were given everything you will ever need to enter the celestial
realm.........You just have to realize it............You are only in need of
time to kneel.......and ask your father in heaven ...to touch your heart........

Please Be Happy........It is a decision...........Love........Mom....Gram

Merry Chritmas to all my beautiful grandchildren...and all my ggrandchildren
to all my treasures.....and their chosen........to their families.....we are an
eternal family..........I couldn't possibly love you more........well.....I was
going to rethink that.......But Be Happy......Be wise.....Be prayerful........

Mom............